I have started a new post several times, but how does one admit to their biggest fear? Especially when one can’t figure out how to get past it, and doesn’t really want sympathy for it.
I am smart and self-aware. I know that what my brain thinks and what is actually true are often two very different things. I also know that how I present myself and how society expects me to behave can also be two different things.
In his book, Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell provides a thought provoking look at how what we think we know about people and what we actually know about people can be very different things. He points out that when we base our assumptions of behavior on what the media suggests is true for all of us, we make huge mistakes.
Malcolm talks about how we have this default to truth (I.e. we assume that how people look correlate to how they behave and we trust them and their story). This is mostly acceptable, however, looking at social media these days, I feel like we mostly resort to assuming that anyone not like us is just a moron.
It is this, that makes it hard for me to admit my deepest fear to people who actually know me. You see, I know that there is no one who can be inside my head and understand exactly what I am saying. I also know that most people are going to want to express some form of empathy/sympathy and try to tell me that my fear is completely unfounded and of course it isn’t true. But see, that isn’t what I need.
I know that it isn’t true. I know that my deepest fear is completely unfounded, but somewhere along the line I learned it. I have this experiential basis for my understanding that has lead me to keep this fear deeply seeded in the bottom of my heart. I need to be understood. I need to know that it is okay to feel the fear and to feel that I have what it takes to overcome it.
My biggest fear is that I am just waste. That I have no value, no inherent skill, nothing that makes me worth anything. I try to fill the void with all sorts of project ideas (that are good ones), but they aren’t unique or original. I am a copy of hundreds of other ideas, and not even good copies, just mediocre forgeries. So, I quit. I fail to follow through. What’s the point?
Look, I know this isn’t true. My head tells me that this is so false and it shows up regularly, but that doesn’t mean that believe it. My lived experience is that there is always someone who can be a better me. In fact, there is always someone around who does a better job than I do at just about everything I try. I am not a master at any thing, I just collect ideas.
It is hard to continue doing something when it feels like in the end it is just a waste of time, money, and resources.
I am working on it. I know that I have a purpose. I know that in reality there is no one else that is like me. I know that I am the only person who can do what I can do, the way I can do it. I am working on believing it. And I am working on figuring out how to accept myself so that I can better accept the truth of others.
Engineering Wholeness 