So what if you are [wrong]?

Tuesday, I called a friend in tears. I just couldn’t do it. I knew that everything was trying to get me to really step into the unknown, but I just wasn’t ready. I was afraid of finding out that I was wrong. Her question back, “So what if you are ?”

It’s a good question.

One I don’t particularly want to answer.

My biggest fear is that I am a waste of time, energy, space, resources, money. I don’t want to be a drain. At the same time, I can no longer exist at the edge of my truth. I need to be authentically me.

To most people, I think, that they will be tilting their head with that look of confusion, I appear to always be me. Because me is caring, compassionate, understanding…but me is also from the south and that means being polite. It is time for some hard truths, and perhaps it is time to deliver them.

I have a love-hate relationship with Bill Maher. I love what he says, I hate that he is an asshole, but can you speak truth to power without being an asshole? See, that is where I want to be. I want to speak truth without being an asshole. The problem is, that most people don’t listen to someone who is “polite.” I can’t be an asshole, but I have to deliver the hard truths.

The first of these is going to have to be facing my family. Selling off my aunt’s belongings is just a semi-waste of time. No one really wants this junk. It’s not real antiques or silver. There just isn’t a market for it. So, it is time to repurpose it. I have always wanted a walking labyrinth in my yard. I want to build it out of mosaic of my aunt’s china collection.

This is ultimately why I called my friend on Tuesday. I needed the clearer thought of someone who wasn’t wrestling with childhood wounds and honest insight. After our conversation, I started collecting materials.

Now came the hard part…

I have to break the china.

Speaking truth is hard, especially when it so often feels like no one wants truth. People want to hear “their truth.” We live in a world of looking for our confirmation bias. I am one of the least judgmental people I know, but I am still aware of the fact that I often look to sources that support my thoughts rather than looking to see what I can find from elsewhere.

I spent two days, holding out and holding on to those three pieces of my aunt’s life. I warred with the internal parts of me that really wanted to break let go of my own inner critic, fear about what others would think, and well…a lot of anger and disappointment.

Thursday night, I called my friend. “Do you want to be a part of the breaking of the first piece of china?”

“Absolutely.” She stopped what she was doing and joined me via FaceTime to witness (and hold me accountable) to this particular letting go.

Three pieces of china down. Oh so many more to go.

There will be days where this is a step forward, days where I fall back into my fear. But for today, I have let go of at least some of the fear and am stepping into my truth. And a little compassionate honesty.