Building a fire is always fun for me. I love finding the wood, and setting it up in a teepee. I like striking the match. It always seems to give me a little thrill. Tonight, I have decided, that it is a good time to let go of some of things that I have held on to, for a number of reasons. Tonight, I am going to let go of some of the things I keep just because I can’t seem to let them go.
Several years ago, I thought I might make a quilt. It sounded interesting and kind of fun. I thought I might enjoy the mathematics and the art of it. Yet, after spending hours cutting enough pieces to make a king sized, log cabin quilt, I managed to piece one square and quit. The fabric has been sitting in a drawer waiting to be completed. I just can’t do it.
I feel like I am supposed to be crafty. I am supposed to have this skill and desire that comes from the mountain women in my ancestry. Only, I don’t really enjoy the sewing and the yarn craft. I want to. I want to have the patience and the desire to sit and work on needle craft, but it just doesn’t move me. So, tonight with love for my both my grandmothers, I put the unused quilt pieces into the fire.
Next, went my paintings. I took pictures of them, but they aren’t good, they aren’t even really of anything. I love the act of painting, not really the product of it. I was never going to hang them. Hell, I was never going to show them to anyone.
The truth is, having them, knowing they were here, storing them has kept me from painting more. I didn’t want to look at them, but I couldn’t just let them go. I couldn’t experiment or use paintings for art journaling because they sat there, haunting me. Or better, taunting me. reminding me that no one (not even me) cared about my art.
By giving those canvases to the fire, I have freed myself of expectation. I don’t need to do anything fancy. I don’t need to do anything great. I can just paint and burn. I can let them go, having painted only for the sake of giving them over to the universe. An act of beauty.
I can paint the colors of my souls and without judgment, let their atoms return to the universe to be used again in some other way.
Then I did the stamps. I picked out some that I will be using for projects that will be given away at Christmas. I picked out some that I will keep for my own personal memory, but mostly I have sent love to all those that helped me collect them out into the world.
Lastly, I sat, knowing that I still have a long way to go in my letting go, in my journey toward wholeness. But I am on my way. I am ready to find my path toward truth. I am ready to put in the work to find what makes my heart sing. And that means accepting that I once, was that very shy, very awkward pre-teen girl. It also means realizing that she is not the standard by which I am measured today.
Tonight, I sent that picture into the flames. I have been listening to her heart and I will continue to do so as I let go of the things that keep holding me back.
Just know, dear girl, I am taking you with me and we are going to be exactly what we need to be. I am here to love you and protect you. You are a part of me that I embrace with no regrets. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. You are loved, and you absolutely belong.
Engineering Wholeness 
Thank you for this beautiful example of letting go of what isn’t working for you, and embracing the loved, and loving, person that you are.
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Really enjoyed this. Proud of you. We’re all carrying that girl with us too.
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