So far this holiday season isn’t going quite as planned. It is the first without my aunt and the first I haven’t eaten with my family. It was sort of a bitter day.
I LOVE Christmas. Mostly I love going overboard and demonstrating my love through the act of giving. Giving and Doing are my love languages. I like to try to give people things that they want or need based on my understanding of them. I have really enjoyed the time I have spent thinking about what to do for people.
This year though, I am finding myself loving the buying and wrapping, but also preparing for the disappointment of another holiday where I feel like no one really sees or knows me. The gifts don’t often feel thoughtful or meaningful, they don’t seem to understand my love language. They are things I already know to expect because I have laid it out.
It’s not that I want expensive, actually I would prefer something made from the heart (or better an experience we can have together).
As I sit here this morning, I am enjoying the peace, imagining a beautiful, quiet holiday. I am also preparing for taking the time to think about and understand what this season means to me, and why I need to let go of the expectation of joy at the giving and the expectation of disappointment at feeling unheard and unknown.
Engineering Wholeness 
This post really speaks to me. Giving to others is such a huge part of my sense of self-worth. Trying to give things, or thoughts, or time, that will feel loving and meaningful to the recipients. And knowing that I might be wrong – could very well be wrong – but hoping that at least I won’t insult, or do harm. Hoping that what I offer will be accepted in the spirit in which it was given. Hoping to see happiness in someone else’s eyes. To be seen.
I feel like you and I are a lot alike. We haven’t talked in ages. I’d love to chat if and when you feel like it.
Cat
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